23/7 Ian - An easy target

Ok, time to talk superloos. An easy target for a travel blog about Japan, I know, and I'm sure much has been written of them before. I'm going to make the bold claim though that not that many of them have included repeated use of the word 'fanjita', so this is my USP and I'm sticking with it. Claz says I'm breaking the blog code of conduct again, so if easily offended (or perhaps work with/for Mrs Ellison) then maybe you should move on, or mentally replace the word 'fanjita' every time it is encountered with 'foo-foo'. You get the picture. Actually, I reckon Janette will be the one who cries with laughter at this the most. She makes out like she doesn't, but my sister loves the toilet humour. Boom boom!

Right. Let's get down to business, as it were. Ahem. Oh, this is just too easy.... Superloos, or washlets as they also get called, are quite simply amazing. Check this badboy out in the picture. This is a Panasonic version, although most we've sampled have been made by a brand called Toto. Here are the features:

• Heated seat. Various settings, from gently buttock warming to so blisteringly hot that you break sweat when you enter the toilet, let alone sit on it

• Courtesy waterfall. Starts as soon as you sit down for a few seconds. Think it's designed to disguise embarrassing sounds, but reckon the encouraging water noise also helps you get started if you're a bit stuck

• Bumhole jet. Once you've nipped one off (I put that bit in for Janette in particular) and have come to a satisfactory conclusion, press bumjet button (can't read the Kanji symbols as usual, but if I was designing an English language control pad, I'd definitely call it a bumjet) and a little stainless steel protrusion extends down below your bum, takes aim, and fires - wahey! It tickles a bit, but you soon get used to it. You can adjust the pressure, but be careful: if you get it wrong it's involuntary colonic irrigation time!

• Fanjita jet. Can't say I've tried this one, but pressing the politely discrete lady+spray symbol button triggers the jet protrusion to extend a bit more, so that the ladies can freshen their fanjita up too. For the blokes, I guess it could freshen up your nutsack, if you felt the inclination. How very considerate of those clever Japanese chaps. Again, watch that pressure level....

• Integrated wash basin. As soon as you flush, the top of the cistern also provides a convenient hand-washing facility. And because it's on top of the cistern, it just drains back into where it came from. Now just how clever is that?!

As an interesting digression, it's worth noting that Orange put two of these superloos into their Nexus building in Darlington around 1997. One in the ladies and one in the gents, because, well, Orange used to be a bit wacky before those French civil servants got hold of it, you know. Unsurprisingly however (this is the UK we're talking about here, after all) they were taken out of use almost immediately and have remained locked off ever since. I'm pretty sure this was due to some H&S decision, but it was just before my time. Or maybe it was about sourcing spares from Japan? Not sure. Either way, what a load of crapola. Paul or Vicky - if you're reading this, make it your business to resurrect the Nexus superloos!

So there you go. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. Go have a look at your own toilet now. Boring, isn't it? And the moral of the story is - if you ever encounter a superloo, definitely have a go!